So very extremely puzzled...

Lately... I've been thinking the purpose of my life. Well, I'm kinda lost, wondering what should I do next. Somehow, I feel like I'm wasting my life now... Maybe I could use the time to do something more meaningful, so that I don't regret later on. Any suggestion how to spend holidays usefully and meaningfully?

Anyway... The point of this post is about the thought of sexuality. I don't usually talk about this to anyone, mostly because of my somewhat conservative parents. Some people think I'm gay, I mean do I looks like one?? Seriously, even myself don't know about that.

During this sixth form life, many of my friends are in a relationship already. I wonder if that's a good thing or not, because they usually break up in the end, and suicide cases because of this matter are also increasingly common now. I'm kinda afraid that they are involved...

To be truthful, I don't have special feelings for girls yet. I'm really puzzled. Maybe I'm gay? Christians say being gay is abnormal, and it's a sin, you'll go to hell if you do that (not that I care anyway). I think I'm not ready for relationship yet, but I hope I can get some opinion though.

Anyhow, everything it's still a possibility though, what if I'm single forever? What will my parents think? Will people hate me if I really "turned" gay? I just don't know. I hope I'm "normal" though, but it's not something I could control. Btw, there's one girl confessed to me, but I rejected... I don't know her well and she's a bit mentally unstable... Am I cruel??

I need help, I've lost myself. What am I anyway?

Have a nice day.

True feelings.

I love company, but I don't like crowds. All I wanted is someone that I could trust, and be there for me. People think I'm a loner, shy or maybe anti-social, but the truth is, I like to be alone. Being alone gives me space to reflect on things and cognitions... And I like social interactions too, but not too much.

I'm quiet and don't usually talk a lot, and people ask me why. Those people are usually loud, which I don't like it very much. Why talk so loud and so much? To get attention? I'm usually serious, that's the way I am. It's annoying that people keep asking why I'm so serious and quiet though...

And I seriously abhor overly childish people. They are god damned retarted, and they're usually very lame. Usually are a chatter box, have the ability of talking nonsense constantly, which is very annoying. They way they process information are totally out-of-the world, usually don't understand abstract concepts and take insults as compliment. I really don't understand them, it's like they are living in their own world, because everything around are oblivious to them. How I wish I never met them...

Say... I just met a very trustworthy friend during the trip to Genting Highlands for competition. He's a very nice person and like to joke. Too bad he's not living in Penang though. Hope our friendship would last...

See that guy in the middle? That's him.

I write too much again... Sigh, it's a bad habit to drag when writing... Hope I could change it though...

Have a nice day.

Is this...

Well... For quite a long time that I didn't update my blog... Sixth form is not as easy as I think, if you're going to slack off today, be prepared to screw your own brain up during tomorrow's lesson. New knowledge and information are flowing in endlessly, and they are kinda hard to grasp though... Anyway, my first exam was a total mess.

Do you know that feeling? When your classmates are getting along pretty well, while you're ignored and isolated by them... They are laughing, blahblahblah in front of you, but when you try to blend in, your actions were futile and you felt stupid. I'm kinda disappointed and jealous? Perhaps I'm jealous.

Is the problem lies in me? What have I done wrong? I wonder... Who can tell me anyway? I just hope I could improve myself and I believe that I'm thiking waaaaay too much...

Some guys in my class are so loud and they always "humilate" people whenever they have the opportunity. I guess we can't avoid this kind off people can we? They are virtually everywhere...

I don't know if I'm jealous or not, I'm disappointed. The class that I looked foward to, turned out to be not what I've expected.
I'll stop here now.

Hope whoever reading this are better than I am, and give comments on how can I improve myself.

Invisible crushing force...

I've gotten quite busy and lazy these days, school's homeworks and study stuffs. Long time I didn't update my blog already, but who cares anyway? All those thoughts and experiences I've always wanted to write down has gone, or forgotten to be precise. Kinda regret for being lazy though.

Ever since my birthday has passed, I'm officially 18! And, I've decided to take Form 6 as my further studies. I've gained new perspective of people and things since I've started working. I came to realize that my interpersonal skills sucks, but hey, I'm an introvert! I'm usually quite shy, but trying to hide it. Sometimes I can't stand people who make joke of people, especially myself, but then I've learnt that play along with their joke might be the best thing to do to avoid further embarrsasment. Anyway, that's part of interpersonal thingy.


Another thing is, I felt most people keep quiet around me. Are they don't like me? Or have I done something wrong? I dunno, maybe I sucks at conversing with people, and they felt that they have nothing to say to me. But when they're around my friends, they are talking and laughing. I started to feel jealous and envy. I felt dumb... But what to do?


Studies, particularly science subjects, need time to understand and memorize. But then in CLHS, our fellow classmates are very indomitable, in the way that they don't want to lose. I felt very pressured that, why they are so quick and smart, even though that they did not pay attention in class... Maybe I'm "kia su" also...


Anyway, the invisible crushing force I'm talking about is pressure. I'm very pressured lately, mostly from studies, and relationships, especailly jealousy and envy, some pressure are without a reason... I hope someone would help me overcome jealousy and envy...


Anyhow, I like to write a lot, and probably no one would want to read it anyway. But in conclusion, I started to felt pressured lately, and my interpersonal skills still very amateurish, which brings more stress. In the end, I'm the one who is responsible for myself, and the stress are created by myself, only me alone can solve it right?


Ps: Cheers! Hope you guys don't stressed yourself out like I do...